Apparently Nothing

A bit of advice to all my fellow sports fans: don’t order the freedom fries. They don’t think its nearly as funny as I do. Glad we figured that out. I’ve continued my streak if destroying toilets all over this land. The French aren’t nearly as rude as they’re made out to be unless youre calling them smelly frogs and yelling about “America! Love it or Leave it!”

People are just people though. Unless you’re the Finnish bitches we shared a room with the last two nights. To answer Jim’s query… We did meet some cunts. They were Finnish.

More to follow. /end transmission.

What a difference a day (and 60,000L of water) can make. Seriously, nothing like a nice welcoming stab in the back from rain daggers. Woof.

Today was fawesome. We went and saw all the standard touristy stops. Buckingham Palace (which proved my theory that horses are fucking gay), Big Ben (it’s a clock! lolllzz), we ate at this place called “Eat.” I had “Food.” there. We also walked some 6 miles today, ’cause we don’t trust cabs or their lefty driving.

I’ve almost gotten hit by an exorbitant amount of big red buses. Pbbbt. Ain’t no thang.

Oh, and we got a nap in at Russell Square since these 3 assholes decided they’d like to try their hand at snoring last night. They were pretty good for first-timers. One would think they were seasoned pros at fucking people over. Neat!

We’re leaving for Paris at 5 AM via train. Let’s hope I can forget all about the discovery channel documentaries about the Chunnel being a piece of crap. Let’s hope those pumps don’t break!

It’s RAINING.

So in case you didn’t know (And why would you?) I’m in London. It’s 10 AM here, which means it’s 4 AM in bat country. I haven’t slept a wink. We were on a plane full of kids that I can only assume were a special-needs school. Just kidding. But seriously.

I had to go to the baffroom real bad. I was unaware that bathrrooooms don’t open up until 10 AM. WE made our way into the richest hotel we could find and I ruined their toilet with my powerful stream. As I made my way out of the baffrrrrroom without washing my hands (of course), I ran into none other than Dave Grohl.

Just kidding. But seriously, I ran into his roadie. The bigger guy with the beard everywhere. Turns out Dave was playing a solo gig with Paul McCartney (Look him up on Wikipedia. I think he was in that band Wings). We just missed it. And it only would have cost us $300 to stand in the rain and watch it all unfold on a pixelated screen. And how!

That’s all for now, kids. More stories from the force as we keep on keeping on.

We’re playing our first show at the Majestic Theater on Thursday, January 17th. I’m really looking forward to this one. Endeverafter sounds like a new incarnation of Motley Crue. They put on an amazing show, even if it is a bit sleezy.

The show is $5 and it’s all ages, not to mention this room sounds unbelievable. Doors open at 7 PM.

Oregon Falls will be opening up the night. Come support us!

Thanks so much to Fragile Utopia for inviting us to play their CD Release. I hope they sell every disc they can press. Also many thanks to all the people who welcomed Charlie into the fold.

Steps to make Brandon Acker into a rock god… or demon, I suppose. It’s metal.

1) Change your name to Braden. The name Brandon is too friendly.
2) Get a fully tattooed arm, or sleeve.
3) Do some jail time. Doesn’t matter for what, just make sure it’s NOT for rape. Statutory is ok, of course, and will inevitably add to your street cred.
4) Don’t do some jail time. Openly confess to a murder of someone, hopefully a fellow metal musician, and then beat the rap (you will have outsmarted the authorities by properly destroying any evidence).

Consider these 4 easy steps… We’ll be sure to add some more later.